A girl that I know is pregnant, and my boyfriend is the father of the child…. I have blocked him from further contact with me, giving no explanation…. I don’t want to get back with him, whether or not he is the father of the child. I’m not interested. He deceived me and the girl. I hate that I was so naive and didn’t realize the kind of man I was with. It’s the second time this has happened to me. How could I not have noticed?

Dear Friend,

We want to congratulate you on the wise decision that you have made to completely block all communication with your former boyfriend! You have accurately judged that his character is the problem. He deceived you and the other woman. He cannot be trusted, nor is he the kind of man with whom to build a future.

Other women who have written to us with similar situations have not immediately made the wise choice that you made. Instead of realizing that their boyfriends were not worthy of trust, they tried to make their relationships work in spite of the circumstances. Please read Cases 76 and 302 to find out what advice we gave to them.

You ask how could you not have realized what kind of man your boyfriend is. There is actually a physiological reason why many people get into romantic relationships with partners whom they can’t trust.

Scientific research tells us that feel-good chemicals1 are released in the brain when we are attracted to someone. The more we idealize the person and envision a future together, the better our brains make us feel. Another brain chemical2 causes an almost obsessive interest in the potential partner, causing us to have the tendency to overlook any obvious weaknesses.

These brain chemicals are different in each person. Some people are able to look at the other person objectively and recognize their weaknesses, while other people are completely overwhelmed by the feel-good emotions to the exclusion of their reasoning powers. It may be that you have tended to base your choices on your emotions rather than on the character of the person. In the future it is very important that you go out on dates in groups with other people. Then ask your friends what they thought about the guy you were with. They will be able to judge better than you can, and you should carefully consider their opinions.

In addition, determine that you will find out all about a guy before you decide to become a couple. Does he always tell the truth to others? Does he keep his promises? How does he talk about people when they are not around? How does he treat his mother and sisters? Does he spend his money wisely? Does he follow the Ten Commandments in the Bible? Does he have a personal relationship with Christ?

Learn all of this and more about a guy before you even kiss him. If you do, you will have a much better chance of choosing a man of integrity.

We wish you the best,

1 dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine
2 serotonin