I have a ten‑year‑old daughter with cerebral palsy. Four years ago I was diagnosed with severe coxarthrosis, thus needing an operation to insert a prosthesis that would be very costly for me. Since I have felt my health deteriorating with each passing day, I have thought many times about taking my life along with the life of my daughter, whom I love very much. I just know that without me [her mother] she would suffer much more than she does now. My life is full of ups and downs. I never have enough money, but in spite of it all I have always tried to put everything in God’s hands. I think that my faith must be weak because I fall apart very easily. Perhaps that is why I think that death would be the answer.
Your case touches our hearts and makes us wish that we lived next door to you so that we could try and offer some emotional support for your trials. No wonder you have your ups and downs! The difficulties that you face are monumental! And the worst of it is that you sound like you are all alone. The feeling of being alone and having to bear the weight of such trials by yourself is the most serious of all your problems.
The first and most important thing we have to say is that you urgently need to tell your doctor about your thoughts of suicide. Your medications probably have the side effect of making you clinically depressed, which leaves you feeling hopeless. Your doctor needs to know this immediately so that he can regulate the chemicals in your body. Thoughts of suicide are never rational and never come from clear thinking.
Secondly, you need to share your feelings with someone, whether that be a social worker at the hospital, a relative, or a friend. This is too much for you to carry alone. Be brave enough to ask someone for help.
We, too, have a son with cerebral palsy. He is a gift to everyone who knows him, and we are sure that your daughter is the same. Please get medical help for your depression, so that your daughter will have the opportunity to live a full life with a mother who loves her dearly. Don’t deprive her of the chance she has to make the world a better place.
You say that you have always tried to put all your problems in God’s hands. We definitely believe that He wants to help you. However, you need to find a church where you can develop a close relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ. Asking Him for help is only half of the communication process. The other half is when He speaks back to you and helps you know how to proceed with your life. And the only way to hear God’s voice is to have a close and personal relationship with Him. You will be able to learn how to do that if you go to a church where there are many people who also have close relationships with Him. They can help you learn how, and the love of God in their hearts will also lead them to give you the emotional support that you so desperately need.
Please make plans today to carry out these recommendations. And remember that God really does love you very much and is waiting to establish two‑way communication with you so that He can help you handle every problem that you have.
May you feel the loving arms of God wrap around you and lift you up,